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Never give a sucker an even break.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drinking
Wine
Comedy
Break
Give
Vineyards
Giving
Sucker
Even
Grapes
Never
Gambling

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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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