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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Two
Today
Real
Liquor
Way
Sell
Sells
Ahead
Drink
Ways
More quotes by W. C. Fields
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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