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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Sells
Ahead
Drink
Ways
Two
Today
Real
Liquor
Way
Sell
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W. C. Fields
