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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Ways
Two
Today
Real
Liquor
Way
Sell
Sells
Ahead
Drink

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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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Never work with animals or children.
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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