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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Way
Sell
Sells
Ahead
Drink
Ways
Two
Today
Real
Liquor

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
W. C. Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
W. C. Fields