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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Swear
Alcohol
Drinking
Drink
Cocktails
Thousand
Drunkenness
Times
Alcoholism
Easy
Liquor
Done
Drank
More quotes by W. C. Fields
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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I drink therefore I am.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
W. C. Fields
