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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Beer
Alcohol
Habit
Afraid
Drink
Water
Become
Alcoholism
Never
Forming

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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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