Quote

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drink
Water
Become
Alcoholism
Never
Forming
Beer
Alcohol
Habit
Afraid

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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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