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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Things
Sameness
Like
Goodness
Worse
Exactly
Sex
Funny
Better
Nothing
Badness
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
W. C. Fields
