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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Funny
Better
Nothing
Badness
Things
Sameness
Like
Goodness
Worse
Exactly
Sex

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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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I drink therefore I am.
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
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I like children - fried.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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