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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Think
Thinking
Philadelphia
Sunday
Witty
Spent
Comedy
Year
Years

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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
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I like children - fried.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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Never work with animals or children.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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