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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Comedy
Funny
Women
Look
Looks
Elephants
Like
Ems
Marriage
Wouldn

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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I can do anything I want to do!
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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