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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Stick
Alcohol
Sticks
Straight
Trust
Turns
Alcoholism
Water
Crooked
Even
Distrust

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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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