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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Turns
Alcoholism
Water
Crooked
Even
Distrust
Stick
Alcohol
Sticks
Straight
Trust

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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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