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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Alcoholism
Turns
Crooked
Water
Distrust
Even
Stick
Alcohol
Sticks
Straight
Trust

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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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