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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Woman
Keep
Impress
Trying
Standard
Never
Standards
Life
Expect
Rest
Comedy
More quotes by W. C. Fields
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Never work with animals or children.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
