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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Rest
Comedy
Woman
Keep
Trying
Impress
Never
Standard
Life
Standards
Expect
More quotes by W. C. Fields
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I like children - fried.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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