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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drink
Water
Funny
Things
Disgusting
Never
Hunting
Witty
Fish
Fishes
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
W. C. Fields
