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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Funny
Insomniac
Well
Oxymoron
Good
Insomnia
Cure
Cures
Humorous
Plenty
Sleep

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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I like children - fried.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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