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I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Victoria Wood

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Victoria Wood
Age: 62 †
Born: 1953
Born: May 19
Died: 2016
Died: April 20
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer
Singer-Songwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Director
Luck
Certificates
Degrees
Diving
Spend
Brick
Doe
Intellectuals
Mean
Rubber
Life
Bricks
Pyjamas
Evening
Certificate
Degree
Evenings

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I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
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Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?
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Music enriches people's lives in the same way paintings and literature do. Everybody deserves that.
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In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.
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I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.
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I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.
Victoria Wood
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I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.
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If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.
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A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.
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In London it's easy not to be the focus of attention, especially when Sting lives in the house just behind you.
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If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.
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My mother, she didn't believe in praise. She'd never say anything was great. I think that's quite Northern, to not make people feel too good. I didn't mind if she was proud of me or not, it didn't bother me. I was never trying to please her.
Victoria Wood
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I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Victoria Wood
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If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.
Victoria Wood
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A lot of panel programmes rely on men topping each other, or sparring with each other, which is not generally a very female thing.
Victoria Wood
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All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.
Victoria Wood
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I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.
Victoria Wood
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Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.
Victoria Wood
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I like writing a lot more than I used to. I used to find it scary but now I've got used to it once it gets going. I used to find it hard to start. Fear of the blank page. The first thing you write down won't bear any relation to what's in your head and that's always disappointing.
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Acting is not my favourite thing. I don't like wearing costumes and wigs.
Victoria Wood