Quote

A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Asks
Gloves
Like
Five
Doctor
Funny
Doctors
Seems
Fit
Problem
Office
Penises
Humor
Replies
Wells
Walks
Glove
Well
Says
Trousers
Men

More quotes by Tommy Cooper

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
Tommy Cooper
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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
Tommy Cooper
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Tommy Cooper
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Tommy Cooper
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Tommy Cooper
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
Tommy Cooper
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Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
Tommy Cooper
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
Tommy Cooper
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Tommy Cooper