Quote

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Humor
Ducks
Says
Restaurant
Went
Diamond
Came
Restaurants
Eyes
Chinese
Sparkle
Eye
Red
Waiter
Funny
Rose
Diamonds
Like
Asked
Duck

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
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Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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