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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Driver
Martin
Drivers
Paris
Train
Humor
Funny
Telly
Dean

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Tommy Cooper
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Tommy Cooper
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tommy Cooper