Quote

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Men
Road
Pint
Humor
Pints
Walks
Lump
Says
Pubs
Guy
Lumps
Funny
Shoulder
Give
Bars
Giving
Shoulders
Asphalt

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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
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