Quote

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Men
Road
Pint
Humor
Pints
Walks
Lump
Says
Pubs
Guy
Lumps
Funny
Shoulder
Give
Bars
Giving
Shoulders
Asphalt

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
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