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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper
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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Book
Bottom
Going
Humor
Comedy
Turn
Trouser
Books
Chop
Turns
Vines
Funny
Legs
Thought
Library
More quotes by Tommy Cooper
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
Tommy Cooper
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tommy Cooper
So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
Tommy Cooper
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Tommy Cooper
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
Tommy Cooper