Quote

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Book
Bottom
Going
Humor
Comedy
Turn
Trouser
Books
Chop
Turns
Vines
Funny
Legs
Thought
Library

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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
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A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
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