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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Ploughman
Lunch
Humor
Wasn
Happy
Funny

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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
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