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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
Age: 63 †
Born: 1921
Born: March 19
Died: 1984
Died: April 15
Actor
Comedian
Magician
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Caerffili
Thomas Frederick Cooper
Humor
Charged
Comedy
Policemen
Funny
Acid
Two
Arrested
Kids
Yesterday
Police
Battery
Drinking
Fireworks
Eating
Batteries

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So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris. He said Eurostar?. I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
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And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says What are you supposed to be? The man says A premature ejaculation. What? says the woman. The man explains I've just come in my pants.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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A man walks into doctor's office. What seems to be the problem? asks the doc. It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises. replies the man. Blimey! says the doctor, How do your trousers fit? Like a glove.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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