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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Vines
Pieces
Policemen
Came
Pencil
Funny
Trace
Someone
Pencils
Thin
Piece
Paper
Policeman

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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