Quote

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Paper
Policeman
Humor
Vines
Pieces
Policemen
Came
Pencil
Funny
Trace
Someone
Pencils
Thin
Piece

More quotes by Tim Vine

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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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