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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Funny
Voluntary
Work
Mate
Think
Mates
Thinking
Paid
Asked
Wouldn

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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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