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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Think
Mate
Thinking
Mates
Paid
Asked
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Work
Voluntary

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine