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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Paid
Asked
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Voluntary
Work
Mate
Think
Mates
Thinking

More quotes by Tim Vine

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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine