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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Remember
Bloke
Today
Blokes
Something
Invented
Mets
Humor
Name
Names
Funny
Crosswords

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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