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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Something
Invented
Mets
Humor
Name
Names
Funny
Crosswords
Remember
Bloke
Today
Blokes

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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine