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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Something
Invented
Mets
Humor
Name
Names
Funny
Crosswords
Remember
Bloke
Today
Blokes

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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