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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Name
Names
Funny
Crosswords
Remember
Bloke
Today
Blokes
Something
Invented
Mets
Humor

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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