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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Today
Blokes
Something
Invented
Mets
Humor
Name
Names
Funny
Crosswords
Remember
Bloke

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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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