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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Funny
Lapels
Cholera
Vines
Frightened
Doctor
Doctors
Humor
More quotes by Tim Vine
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine