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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Doctors
Humor
Went
Funny
Lapels
Cholera
Vines
Frightened
Doctor

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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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