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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Went
Funny
Lapels
Cholera
Vines
Frightened
Doctor
Doctors

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine