Quote

I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Went
Funny
Lapels
Cholera
Vines
Frightened
Doctor
Doctors

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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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