Quote

I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Went
Lapels
Funny
Cholera
Vines
Frightened
Doctor
Doctors

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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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