Quote

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Tim Vine

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Volkswagens
Something
Driver
Restaurant
Drivers
Restaurants
Gave
Asked
Humor
Volkswagen

More quotes by Tim Vine

Image
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
Image
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
Image
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Image
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
Image
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
Image
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
Image
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
Image
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
Image
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
Image
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Image
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
Image
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
Image
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
Image
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
Image
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
Image
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine