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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Gave
Asked
Humor
Volkswagen
Funny
Volkswagens
Something
Driver
Restaurant
Drivers
Restaurants

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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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