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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Restaurant
Drivers
Restaurants
Gave
Asked
Humor
Volkswagen
Funny
Volkswagens
Something
Driver
More quotes by Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine