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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Shops
Sell
Sells
Humor
Bloke
Went
Kettle
Funny
Kettles
Someone
Blokes
Shop

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine