Quote

I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Kettle
Funny
Kettles
Someone
Blokes
Shop
Shops
Sell
Sells
Humor
Bloke

More quotes by Tim Vine

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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine