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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Shops
Watches
Watch
Humor
Went
Funny
Analogue
Men
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More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine