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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
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More quotes by Tim Vine

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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine