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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Armageddon
Cheese
Bought
Humor
Funny
Ends
Today
Best
Packet

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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