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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Best
Packet
Armageddon
Cheese
Bought
Humor
Funny
Ends
Today

More quotes by Tim Vine

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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine