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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Today
Best
Packet
Armageddon
Cheese
Bought
Humor
Funny
Ends

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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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