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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Snooze
Funny
Alarm
Vines
Alarms
Button
Buttons
Lazy
Smoke

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine