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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Alarms
Button
Buttons
Lazy
Smoke
Humor
Snooze
Funny
Alarm
Vines

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine