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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Smoke
Humor
Snooze
Funny
Alarm
Vines
Alarms
Button
Buttons
Lazy

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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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