Quote

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Snooze
Funny
Alarm
Vines
Alarms
Button
Buttons
Lazy
Smoke

More quotes by Tim Vine

Image
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
Image
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
Image
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
Image
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
Image
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
Image
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
Image
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Image
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
Image
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
Image
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Image
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
Image
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Image
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
Image
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
Image
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine