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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Button
Buttons
Lazy
Smoke
Humor
Snooze
Funny
Alarm
Vines
Alarms

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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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