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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Doors
Worships
Humor
Exhaust
Funny
Vines
Next
Neighbour
Pipe
Catholic
Door
Worship
Pipes

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine