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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Door
Worship
Pipes
Doors
Worships
Humor
Exhaust
Funny
Vines
Next
Neighbour
Pipe
Catholic

More quotes by Tim Vine

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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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