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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Catholic
Door
Worship
Pipes
Doors
Worships
Humor
Exhaust
Funny
Vines
Next
Neighbour
Pipe

More quotes by Tim Vine

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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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